Current mood:	cynical
Entry tags:	fraud

A letter
I don't think you can help me. This is because I know I will lie to you. This is why I have to write it down before I come to you. I am a genuinely flawed character. My personality could possibly be considered "insane." But you could never tell me this accurately. Sure, you could make your assumptions... but you do not observe me in my day to day life. You won't ever see the extremes of my actions... you rely on me to tell you. And as we've already settled, I will lie to you.

I won't lie to you because I enjoy it. It's not because I want to lie to you. I'll lie to you because I'm afraid. Because I don't want you to make those assumptions about my personality. I don't want you to tell me that something is wrong with me. And so, a truth might leak out, and then I will fight it with my lies. I don't want you to know who I really am.

Truth be told, I don't even know who I really am. I've created this persona, this 'picture perfect' idea of who I am supposed to be. But I don't know who the real me is anymore. I'm dependant, and manipulative, and secretive, and full of lies... all an accumlation of an act based on fear.

I think I've been afraid the fifth grade, when Class died. And ever since then, I've been a basket case... an introverted, terrified, manipulative basket case.

I could detail those events to you... the daisy chain from my fifth-grade-self to the twenty-one-year-old I am now. I'd have to write them down, of course. I don't think I'd tell you the truth if I had to say it word for word. I'd get scared, and then I'd shut myself off. And when I shut myself off, I'll lie to get you to think that nothing's wrong. Because I really don't want you to point out that something's wrong with me.

And even with all of those events... you could never paint a real portrait of who I am. You won't understand the fears, the insecurities, the thought processes I have. You won't understand the rediculous assumptions I've made and built a flawed personality on. You won't understand why I'm a basket case...

But I'm sure that you'll agree that I am.