For several days I felt an incredible sense of heaviness. No matter what I did or where I went, I could not help but feel bored with my life, my surroundings, and my situation.

This all began on Monday, the day after my friend Kate returned to Canada. For a few days I had been able to constantly have company, and something to do. This is a stark contrast to my normal lifestyle, which includes eating, sleeping, and doing schoolwork. After Kate left, besides an overwhelming sense of loneliness, I began to feel very heavy.

Heaviness is not like other emotions. It is unique, and powerful. Once you get a taste of heaviness, you cannot get rid of it. You might want to. You might want to go running and screaming down the hallway. But heaviness sits on your lap and tells you, "No." You can't move, so you continue to sit there, feeling heavy.

Heaviness also encompasses other emotions, such as angst and restlessness. It disallows you do do anything about these other emotions.

Monday morning I had my first, and most favorite, class. Yet I wasn't able to concentrate on the lecture. The feelings of heaviness seemed to wrap around and strangle my brian. I simply could not get into what the professor was saying. Instead, I daydreamed. Heaviness does that to you. You are trapped inside your own head and you cannot get out.

Mondays are long days for me, but I have a two hour break where I usually get lunch. But that particular Monday, getting lunch seemed like too much effort. Instead I dragged myself over to the library, where with hot chocolate, I simply sat in a chair for two hours. I did not even feel the motivation to find myself a book to read. The chair was an aide to the heaviness. It seemed to pull me down into its cushiony depths, drowning me quietly. The chair did not want to let me go. It did not want me to eat, though I was starving. It did not want me to read, though I was bored. It did not even want me to sleep, though I was tired. It just wanted me to sit, and be comfortable. The chair was jealous of my other emotions.

By the time I got home on Monday, my stomach felt like it had rotted out. When I got off the bus, I was right next to the restraunt, but didn't feel like going in and waiting. I was too heavy to stand there for very long. Instead, I went up into my bedroom, and fell asleep. Heaviness doesn't mind sleep, most of the time.

Tuesday was not much different, except, in between classes as I sat in the library, Heaviness allowed me to use a computer. I checked me email over and over again. I wrote in my journal. I checked my email again. I did not have the energy to check any other websites or look up anything interesting to read.

I did this for three hours. I could've gotten lunch, but I didn't. I was tired, and heavy. My butt was rooted to that chair that wanted me to enjoy the fact that it was a chair.

Wednesday I did not have any classes, which excited Heaviness. It did not allow me to get out of bed until an unreasonable time, and once I did, did not allow me to dress. It then ordered me to sit in the red chair that is next to my bed, and watch the television. There was nothing on the television that I wanted to watch, but I left it on anyway. I put my feet over the side of the chair and looked out the window. I stayed there a good part of the day, with the television on, listening to some channel I don't remember.

Wednesday I got a visitor. His name was Sam. Sam forced me to get up and get dressed out of my Hospital Property pajamas. For a few hours Sam and I sat in chairs and talked about religion and the world. Then I told Sam I had homework to do, and that he had to leave. The truth is that was feeling to heavy to have company. After Sam left I sat at the computer and checked my email. I never ate on Wednesday, either.

Thursday I had a class at ten. I got into an arguement with my teacher about the nature of poetry. This forced me to break through some of the heaviness and I felt powerful. After my poetry class, I got lunch with a boy from my class. His name is Caleb. I only ate a potato, but I felt twittery. Lifting the heaviness was a big step, and now I was too restless. I broke my crackers all over my tray. We talked about Hannah Can't Swim and how I wanted to see it again.

Thursday was the lightest day of the week. I ate twice on Thursday, and I stayed up late.

Friday, the heaviness came back, and it was angry because I had ignored it for a day. For that I was punished, and Heaviness prevented me from doing my laundry. It let me watch television, which I don't remember, and check my email. It let me sleep, but not for long. I was too tired to sleep.

It's Saturday, and I'm just writing about Heaviness now. I would have gone to fencing, but I feel to heavy. My only hope is that I can get into an arguement again.

I imagined being in an uncomfortable situation, which I walked into a classroom completely naked (a common dream of everyone but me, so I've never had this experience before).

I am naked. The air is cool. Everyone is looking at me. I must have some kind of disfigurement. I'm ugly. I'm so embarrassed. I want to get out of the room, but the door is locked. Is my butt hairy? I want to crawl into a hole and die. I can never show anyone my face again. I haven't shaved in a few days. Are my armpits hairy? Do I smell bad? My boobs are flopping around, and sweating underneath. Everyone can see my mole. I'm gross. I'm disgusting. No one will ever look at me again.

I am envisioning a dog. He is a German Shepard with high pointed ears an a proud stride. He is beginning to run. Now he plods slowly, and he is a Beagle. His ears have cuved over and flop about his muzzle. His snout is short. He barks at a squirrel. His bark becomes high-pitched. His fur grows out and becomes currly, black. He is now a poodle. He has a bow in his hair and nails are painted red. Now it's a girl. Her tongue hangs out and is pink as she pants. A pool of drool is forming in front of her, now she is a labrador. Her back is broad and huge. She lays lazily on her side. A kid scratches her belly and she thumps her leg and tail happily. She smiles. Now she is a baby. The baby is crying.

I hate babies.

Script Idea A

A man and a woman have recently suffered a miscarriage. The story begins following a month of mourning. Despite the tragedy, the woman wants to move on and try for another child, but her husband is simply not ready. As they go about their day to day routine, their marriage begins to crumble as they realize that each is not the person that they had hoped to marry.


Script Idea B

An old woman has recently lost her husband, and now wants to spend her time with her son and grandchildren. Trouble is, her visits aren’t well received. No matter how hard she tries to be a part of their lives, she can only seem to make mistakes. She wonders if she waited too long to try.

Script Idea C

A young husband waits until Christmas Eve to go shopping. As he goes from store to store, he realizes that he has no idea what to get for his wife, and every store clerk has a different idea of what a woman wants. He begins to think that he doesn’t really know his wife at all, and questions why he married her. As he sits in the food court, he tries to remember a time that they simply enjoyed each other’s company, and from that memory, he finds the perfect gift.

1.) Darrick Marks: This gentleman makes you think of a lone wolf. He has almond-shaped eyes the color of fine silver. His fine, curly, black hair is medium-length and is worn in a handsome, impractacal style. He is short and has a narrow build. His skin is ruddy. He has large feet. His wardrobe is plain.

2.) Jasmine Perry: This girl reminds you of a noble eagle. She has beady eyes the color of blueberries. Her luxurious, straight, chocolate-colored hair is medium-length and is worn in an utilitarian style. She is short and has a wide-hipped build. Her skin is light-colored. She has a weak chin. Her wardrobe is severe and simple, with a lot of purple and blue.

3.) Parker Mckee: This man reminds you of a flutering butterfly. He has brown eyes that are like two tiger-eye gems. His fine, curly, brown hair is worn in a style that reminds you of a wave of water. He is short and has a boyish build. His skin is light-colored. He has an elegant nose and prominent cheekbones. His wardrobe is strange and dignified, with a completely violet color scheme.

4.) Philip Myers: This man puts you in mind of a regal ruler. He has blue eyes that are like two turquoises. His silky, straight, slate-gray hair is worn in a style that reminds you of a horse's mane. He is very short and has a plump build. His skin is cream-colored. He has delicate ears and thick eyebrows. His wardrobe is strange.

5.) Sandra Lancaster: This willfull girl has narrow blue eyes. Her fine, straight, beige hair is worn in a style that reminds you of a lion's mane. She is tall and has an elegant build. Her skin is cream-colored. She has a high forehead and nearly-nonexistent eyebrows. Her wardrobe is no-nonsense.

6.) Tod Bryant: This determined man has droopy brown eyes. His thick, curly, black hair is very short and is worn in a carefully-crafted style. He is very short and has a broad-shouldered build. His skin is pale. He has bushy eyebrows. His wardrobe is strange and elaborate, with a lot of brown and violet.

7.) Nickolas Beard: This guy puts you in mind of a wise owl. He has slanted blue eyes. His luxurious, curly, gray hair is very short and is worn in an uncomplicated, precise style. He is very short and has a masculine build. His skin is light-colored. He has high cheekbones and thick eyebrows. His wardrobe is classy and sexy, with a lot of white.

8.) Chadwick "Chad" Conway: This compassionate guy has deep-set violet eyes that are like two amethysts. His luxurious, straight, ivory hair is short and is worn in an uncomplicated style. He's got stubble. He has a broad-shouldered build. His skin is china-white. He has small feet. His wardrobe is strange, and is completely blue and yellow.

9.) Fidel Buckley: This gentleman puts you in mind of an elusive unicorn. He has wide obsidian eyes. His fine, wavy, midnight black hair is very short and is worn in an attractive, exotic style. He is very short and has a graceful build. His skin is chocolate-brown. He has wide feet. His wardrobe is practical and professional, with a lot of white and red.

10.) Leland T. Barker: This man makes you think of a mysterious shadow. He has wide gray eyes. His luxurious, wavy, black hair is short and is worn in a practical, precise style. He has an overmuscled build. His skin is nut-brown. He has a small nose. His wardrobe is no-nonsense, with a lot of brown and white.

Maine was lovely.

One of the best ways to reveal character is through choices. Think about some important choices you have made. Even simple ones like what to eat and what to wear. Notice your choices. Notice their consequences. Make the unexpected choice and note the resultant consequence.

1. Should I get out of bed, or stay in bed longer? (I stayed in bed longer)
2. Should I get dressed, or stay in my PJs? (I stayed in my PJs)
3. Should I eat breakfast, or skip it? (I ate)
4. What should I eat? (I ate a grilled cheese sandwhich, which isn't breakfasty, but oh well)
5. Should I eat in the kitchen, or the living room? (I ate in the living room)
6. What should I watch while eating? (I watched ER)
The sound of me watching ER attracted my sister, and as usual, she came out and insisted we watch Rosanne. She's been doing that every day and it drives me nuts, but if I say no, she gets really annoying.)
7. Should I watch Rosanne or make up some excuse? (I watched Roseanne)
8. Should I pack or play on my computer? (I played The Sims 2 on my computer)
9. Should I pack or take a shower? (I showered)
10. Should I pack or pack? (I did not pack)


I didn't do much at all today. I still have to pack, and I'm leaving tomorrow. I enjoy mental health days.

Record your dreams as you awake. Also write down the feelings about the dream. Even if you just have a snippet or just have a feeling do this exercise. After you have read your dream, think about what you'd like to change. Write out the new dream. Use the dream as a basis for a story. If there are other characters in the dream, write out a conversation with these characters. Ask them what they are doing in the dream.

I had this wicked crazy dream last night about Jorja Fox & I costarring in this strange film. I can't exactly remember what the film was about, but we were on some kind of mission together, and Jorja was a bit younger. The end of the dream ended in this barn type setting with a bunch of other people who were trying to accomplish the same thing, and we were getting sprayed by these guys with hot water. Jorja told me to be scared, and after that the thing turned into some kind of sexual dance. Weird, but oddly satisfying. I enjoyed watching my names in the credits. Somehow I even rewound and paused at my name in my dream. It was great.


I'll come back to this exercise, my dream was really freaking weird and I don't know what to write about it...

As kids many of us had imaginary playmates. Find yourself an imaginary friend. Write out dialog with this friend.

Kellan Logan is an actor. We do stage plays in my backyard. He is always the leading man, I'm always his leading lady. He's a little bit taller than me, and his hair is a pretty sandy color. Kellan is very strong. Sometimes we have races, but he always wins. Once he let me win, but it wasn't very satisfying. The other day I had a chat with him.

"Kellan," I said, "If you were the king of the world, what would be the first thing you did?"

"Make a movie, of course," Kellan answered. He didn't even have to think about it.

I wondered, "Who would be in your movie?"

"I would be," he grinned at me. "And so would you. And then I'd show it all over the world, and everyone would love us."

Kellan was always thinking about fame, and I can't blame him. Who wouldn't want the world to love you? "What roles would we play this time?" I asked.

"I think I'd be a brave rebel," he said, "And I would free the needy people from the reign of an evil monarchy."

When he told me this I immediately pictured him with blue paint on his face, charging an army on horseback like William Wallace.

"That way," he continued, "When I came to power, my people would know that I would be a kind and just ruler."

I told him that it was a very smart move, and then we raced to the kitchen for popcicles. They always disappeared so fast in my house.


Kellan

Happy St. Lucia Day!

Look at a picture that captivates you - it can be in a book, in a museum, on a postcard. Try to find one that has people in it - not people you know. Really look at the picture. Close your eyes and imagine the picture is still there. Open them and see what you've missed. Repeat this until you can really sense the picture. Describe what you see in words - write it down, saying it to yourself is not the same thing. Then close your eyes and enter the picture. What happens when you do this. What new things do you notice. Talk to the people in the picture and ask what they are doing there. Leave the picture, come back, and write down your experience. Change it and make it a scene.


For this exercise I am working with this picture:


Sadie and Mitch got married in May. I took this picture, and now it sits on their mantle place in a cheap white frame that someone probably bought them from Wal*Mart. When they met, Mitch was on business with some co-workers, staying at the hotel for which Sadie worked, although she hated her position. Mitch says he was half an hour late to a buisness meeting because of her smile. Two months later, he proposed.

Their wedding was a happy day, as most weddings are. Crappy weddings are so scarce these days. Sadie and Mitch never left each other's sides during the reception. They danced, they visited. They stopped by my table twice to thank me for coming. A Ukrainian band played while they polka-ed and waltzed under a canopy of white. I took pictures for them with a provided throw-away camera that had zebra stripes on the side.

Two weeks after they returned from a brief honeymoon in Thailand, the City of Gold, Mitch went away on business. Sadie won't tell anyone but me, but she fretted all week that there was another 'Sadie' at the hotel in Albequerque. I told her that she was a married woman and should relax. Turns out that there was no second Sadie, but a rather large sign reading "danger ahead" that some local teenagers had recently stolen. The absence of the sign cost Mitch a car, and his legs.

Sadie and Mitch got married in May. I took this picture, and now it sits on their mantle piece in a cheap white frame that someone probably bought them from Wal*Mart. When they met, Mitch had two legs. Now Sadie pushes him about in a wheelchair, and can only dream of dancing on their wedding day.

~Tragedy forces a family to start over again from scratch in a new location. Their strenght will be tested as they try to rebuild their lives.

I don't like this idea.

I skipped a day, so here is two.

~Glen is about to be married to his fiance, Lara. A few months before their wedding, she suggests that they each go back and visit an unresolved crush, so that they can go into their marriage with clean slates. Glen hates the idea, but Lara reassures him that if they love each other as strongly as they feel they do, they will be fine.

When Glen shows up at Alexis' door, he is turned away. After a lot of convincing, he convinces her to at least get something to eat with him. Through talking, one thing leads to another, and Glen realizes how much he really felt for the other girl.

Can he still return to Lara a faithful man?



~A librarian is unable to fall in love due to her unrealistic fantasies about "the perfect man" who she has read about in books. Until she meets the exact opposite of everything she is looking for.

~A man fakes his way into a mental hospital by telling his examiner that he hears a voice saying the word "Ping." Once inside, he finds that even though he is perfectly sane, he is unable to convince the doctors to release him.

~Hannah Bridges has fallen for the guy of her dreams. Literally. As she goes through her day to day activities, she realizes that she is having 'deja vou' of her life. Only one thing is different: her love intrest switches back and forth. The problem? Which one is real, and which is a dream?

~A celebrity, who is used to attention and adoring fans, is intrigued by a girl who barely knows she exists.

-A young, "secret service" agent leaks important information regarding a secret plan to a love intrest of an opposing party. Both are sought to be killed.